no title - date unknown

I did what they were afraid to do.

It’s as simple as that. 

I’ve seen fears grace, and the places it takes you to.

They follow like sheep, herding together like scared little children, hoping their numbers can scare the bogyman away. 

They’re all fools.

He lives inside of them, and the more faces you bring together, the more shapes he can take. 

I have no delusions about myself, the same horrible thing could be just as deeply rooted in me, but at least I take it far away where it can’t hurt anyone.  I knew there was no hope in their futures, and unlike them, I wasn’t afraid to do what had to be done.

Their sense of safety is false, and they hubris they’ve built their wax walls out of is sure to fall when the truth comes calling.  I’ve heard it for a long time now, long before all this started.  This is just proof and truth of everything that I already knew.

That we’re fucked.

Candice - Date Unknown

She died in my arms.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

They used to say no one should ever outlive a child, but that’s a lie.

When we lose them, even to things less horrible than this, the pain is so immense and overbearing, it becomes a constant reminder to never let it happen again.  The sick part about it is the way the feeling starts to fade with every body we find left in this wake. 

How it slowly becomes “normal”.

That was the moment I realised things had really changed. 

When she died in my arms, and I felt nothing left for the spoil of a child. 

I knew right then, that there was no going back from this.

That the world truly became a different place and nothing about it was going to change anytime soon.

That is when the suicides started, when entire camps would fall to the ground, and like all their hopes, they’d drown in the mud and wait for decays sweet sick breath to take them away.  So much has been lost, and until now, the plan was to earn it all back, down to the last drop. 

What we lost though, was something inside of ourselves, something we can never have back.

Our search to fill our hearts with some kind of purpose is as pointless as the death of the girl that died in my arms.  The mistake we’ve made is looking for a point in this, some reason, an excuse to go on.

Sleeve Tricks - Date Unknown

I can’t say I’m surprised.  There’s no doubt in that.

The reality is I can’t say very much at all.

That being said, it’s not enough to calm the crashing tide of feeling that is churning around in me like an ocean of guilt.  I’m asking myself all the wrong questions.

“What could I have done differently?”

“Is this all my fault?”

These are the ramblings we find clutched in the cold hands of the dead.

They are nothing but a warning of where their path leads to.

It won’t be long until this reality finally hits me, but until then, I lose myself in a maze of sadness, so much so, I am reduced to the tears of a child.  The only vestige of comfort is in knowing it will not last, that sooner or later, I will come to my senses, and see this for what it really is.   Even with this hope buried deep in my heart, it’s hard to keep the cold out, and too often, I find myself holding my breath in fear of it being blown out, “gone with the wind” as they once said.  Like a sickness that passes with the days, so will this, and all these stupid useless questions will fade beyond memory.  For now I stay as strong as I can, knowing it will take all of me to make it through this. 

I let the fever run its course.

I indulge the delirium it brings with it.

And I wait.

For the calming darkness to come.

So I can find that glow inside of myself again, and find my way back to it.

The End - Final Entry - Date Unknown

The end is near.

I can feel it like a cold wind carrying the rattles of what’s to come. 

Whatever form it decides to take, I am ready for it. 

It has been far too long since I’ve felt anything this real, there’s no way I am turning my back on it.  After all, the greatest honour men covet is to meet their end face to face. 

For too long we’ve been robbed of that dignity.  

Too many have died face down in the mud. 

We spend our entire lives running from this, staying just far enough away so we don’t feel the electric tingle of its proximity.  The lucky ones, the ones ready to face it, they die on their feet, and I’ve never planned on doing it any other way. 

Lucky or not, I’ve earned this much. 

I owe it to myself to stop running and do what needs to be done. 

The hardest part has been coming this far, coming to the point where I can see with no doubt, how pointless this is. 

I’ve been fighting for so long, it is all I know, the idea of giving up has been so impossible. 

This isn’t about what I want anymore.

I’m ok with that.

So I plan on doing something about it.