There is something missing, no doubt in that.
It is too easy to grab onto the reasons closest to you, the old obvious things that try to explain it all away in some cloud of rationalization. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t indulged myself. In fact it’s because of those lost days, because of the millions of other things I could blame, that is how I have learned to know better. I’ve never been one to worry about the others, the distant, the lost, but there have been moments when even I have tried to.
I know why she left me, there is no mystery in that.
But why I cannot admit it to myself, eludes me beyond reason.
There is no doubt things could have been profoundly different, but dwelling on that gets us nowhere towards tomorrow. There is so little to be gained from the “what if’s”, too often life is squandered on such fruitless pursuits. The treasures of the world were burned to distill the most pure meaningless indulgences. This is the landscape I am forced to stare across every day. An empty world with empty people.
There is no depth inside of themselves to dive into, no soul to immerse yourself in. Only a hard shallow bottom which tactfully reminds you how painful it is to slam into.
This is why, people, trust, love, are all leaps of faith into a hope there’s something waiting to embrace you, something to break the fall.
More often than not we jump like fools knowing full well what is waiting for us at the bottom.
Nothing hurts quite like a slam in the face when you’re not expecting it.
When you were sure this time would be different, and every fiber of your being is screaming for you to go for it. Next thing you know you’re wondering how you got this bloody nose and why everything hurts worse than anything you've ever felt.
What happened to us was different.
There was nothing natural about it.
When I dove into her soul, I found a world I thought only existed in the most childish of storybooks. The depths went on and on,the warmth of her heart kept me safe, and I felt like I didn’t have to come up for air days at a time.
When I lost her, I felt the waters around me go cold. In the most panicked of reflexes I tried to swim for the surface for air, but I quickly saw that it had iced over, and I’ve been trapped in the cold depths ever since. Frozen in time and trapped in her loss.
I’ve given up on finding a way out at this point, because for so may reasons, things I’ve done, and mistakes I’ve made, I know hope abandoned me the day she did. Still, I am trapped in a constant reminder of this, and I can never escape that.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Know your enemy - date unknown
I never thought I’d see a day like today, a day where things finally became so clear. Though the vision they’ve crystallized into is horrific, at least I know what I am dealing with.
Knowing how bad things are is one thing.
It’s the not knowing that kills you.
The mystery that lurks behind fears shadow.
There are many times when I’ve been forced to endure that sentence with no hope of reprieve. Eventually you learn to live with the holes left behind and carry on as if they’re a part of you.
This has never sat well with me though.
I’ve never been content with such unfinished business.
So like all other things in this world, I’ve demanded more than the same old story.
Because after all I have been though, it is not enough to help me sleep at night.
They may sleep better than most, but the lull they’re caught up in is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, biding its time until the kill is sure.
I’ve seen too many go out that way.
Though I’d like to say I knew better, the truth is I learned better. It took time, but not much. We didn’t have any to waste on examining the nature of things, only to dispense all the violence our bodies had to offer and grab anything in sight that could fill our bellies if only for a few moments. Not even a second of rest was on our minds, let alone all we’d have to atone for once we realized how far this had taken us. Now that I’ve had all this time to stew in my thoughts and have nothing but the flashbacks of terror to remind me what’s brought me here. I think about all I would give to lose myself in the throws of pure uncomplicated battle.
I have no such luxury in this fight, for my enemy is a complex creature who holds nothing but contempt for my survival. This foe I face has no intention on making anything easy on me.
Part of me is thankful for the challenge, the other dreads the uphill battle to a certain and no doubt pointless death.
Too often I worry that all I have left is to protect purpose, to maintain the keepsake of our cherished nature. It is a burden which weighs so heavy on me I am constantly breaking in all the wrong places.
I can remember how lonely I used to feel out in the wild. How all I could think about what finding someone, anyone who could remind me that as bad as it seems, we’re never that lost, never that far from one another. Eventually you get over it after seeing it time and time again, you see just how fucked up this has made people. Doubt becomes removed, and “being better off without them” is the understatement of a lifetime. The first step is to break yourself in, feel the hurt, and let the things you’ll never feel again die, so the rest of you can keep living, keep fighting, till the end. No matter what awfulness awaits.
Knowing how bad things are is one thing.
It’s the not knowing that kills you.
The mystery that lurks behind fears shadow.
There are many times when I’ve been forced to endure that sentence with no hope of reprieve. Eventually you learn to live with the holes left behind and carry on as if they’re a part of you.
This has never sat well with me though.
I’ve never been content with such unfinished business.
So like all other things in this world, I’ve demanded more than the same old story.
Because after all I have been though, it is not enough to help me sleep at night.
They may sleep better than most, but the lull they’re caught up in is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, biding its time until the kill is sure.
I’ve seen too many go out that way.
Though I’d like to say I knew better, the truth is I learned better. It took time, but not much. We didn’t have any to waste on examining the nature of things, only to dispense all the violence our bodies had to offer and grab anything in sight that could fill our bellies if only for a few moments. Not even a second of rest was on our minds, let alone all we’d have to atone for once we realized how far this had taken us. Now that I’ve had all this time to stew in my thoughts and have nothing but the flashbacks of terror to remind me what’s brought me here. I think about all I would give to lose myself in the throws of pure uncomplicated battle.
I have no such luxury in this fight, for my enemy is a complex creature who holds nothing but contempt for my survival. This foe I face has no intention on making anything easy on me.
Part of me is thankful for the challenge, the other dreads the uphill battle to a certain and no doubt pointless death.
Too often I worry that all I have left is to protect purpose, to maintain the keepsake of our cherished nature. It is a burden which weighs so heavy on me I am constantly breaking in all the wrong places.
I can remember how lonely I used to feel out in the wild. How all I could think about what finding someone, anyone who could remind me that as bad as it seems, we’re never that lost, never that far from one another. Eventually you get over it after seeing it time and time again, you see just how fucked up this has made people. Doubt becomes removed, and “being better off without them” is the understatement of a lifetime. The first step is to break yourself in, feel the hurt, and let the things you’ll never feel again die, so the rest of you can keep living, keep fighting, till the end. No matter what awfulness awaits.
grabbing on, and letting go - date unknown
As I am sitting beside this flickering candle, so my hopes continue to fade as the dying flame slowly burns out to it’s last breath. I can probably make it through one more night of this, granted I make it through this one.
I fucked up.
I don’t know what I was thinking but now I am lost, out of food, and nowhere near anything I find vaguely useful to my survival.
These aren’t the times for dwelling on mistakes though.
The only way I have ever made it this far is by sending those thoughts right back where they belong and remembering why I walk.
I feel caught up in the constant struggle between the pull of fear and my promise.
This has become even bigger than that though, because the things that I carry inside of myself are the last of their kind. And though I doubt I’ll ever find someone to pass them to who could carry them on, I will settle for dying knowing I gave them the best chance they had. That in itself is what gives these things their essence. The selfless pursuit of something greater than yourself. Though this world has taken so much away from us, one thing it has left behind are plenty of good reasons worth dying for.
She was one of them.
My mother another.
The list goes on and on.
That’s the thing though.
No one is keeping track anymore, the score is a wash. There is no point in pretending we’re even playing anymore because the game has changed, the only rule is, we’re not writing them anymore.
That is clear as crystal.
The biggest problem in the beginning was how people were not willing to let go of this misguided idea that they controlled a damn thing. And that is why it was so easy for them to be over run and burned down from the inside. I supposed what made me different is how quickly I saw it for what it really was. Everyone else though took their time learning the hard things, but there aren’t anymore second chances left, we’ve been robbed of that luxury. They learned this the hard way and died pointless useless deaths.
That was something I really had to get used to.
For so long it turned my stomach to see such a waste of our own salvation.
If there ever was any to begin with.
After all I have seen, I can only say that there isn’t, and as heavy it makes my heart, I know that even in the face of the most crushing defeats a man must stand in the face of certain death, dig his feet deep into his convictions and hold the only ground you have left to truly call your own. If this is all I end up dying for, I’m ok with that.
I fucked up.
I don’t know what I was thinking but now I am lost, out of food, and nowhere near anything I find vaguely useful to my survival.
These aren’t the times for dwelling on mistakes though.
The only way I have ever made it this far is by sending those thoughts right back where they belong and remembering why I walk.
I feel caught up in the constant struggle between the pull of fear and my promise.
This has become even bigger than that though, because the things that I carry inside of myself are the last of their kind. And though I doubt I’ll ever find someone to pass them to who could carry them on, I will settle for dying knowing I gave them the best chance they had. That in itself is what gives these things their essence. The selfless pursuit of something greater than yourself. Though this world has taken so much away from us, one thing it has left behind are plenty of good reasons worth dying for.
She was one of them.
My mother another.
The list goes on and on.
That’s the thing though.
No one is keeping track anymore, the score is a wash. There is no point in pretending we’re even playing anymore because the game has changed, the only rule is, we’re not writing them anymore.
That is clear as crystal.
The biggest problem in the beginning was how people were not willing to let go of this misguided idea that they controlled a damn thing. And that is why it was so easy for them to be over run and burned down from the inside. I supposed what made me different is how quickly I saw it for what it really was. Everyone else though took their time learning the hard things, but there aren’t anymore second chances left, we’ve been robbed of that luxury. They learned this the hard way and died pointless useless deaths.
That was something I really had to get used to.
For so long it turned my stomach to see such a waste of our own salvation.
If there ever was any to begin with.
After all I have seen, I can only say that there isn’t, and as heavy it makes my heart, I know that even in the face of the most crushing defeats a man must stand in the face of certain death, dig his feet deep into his convictions and hold the only ground you have left to truly call your own. If this is all I end up dying for, I’m ok with that.
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