Charles - Date Unknown

He died cold and alone.
Though these days few are that lucky.
Most spend those last moments clutched in the horror, the pain, and are left cursed to walk until someone like me comes along to end their nightmare.

Out here though, he found the kind of peace we all wish we could have in those last minutes.
He had the courage to end his war once and for all.
Though I admire the end he has chosen for himself, it's not one I care to call my own.  Still, for a split second I envy his resolve, and just as quick my mind is flooded with the reasons I can't end up like him.
There's no doubting my end is just around the corner, and I'm starting to see things the same way he must have before he took his way out.

He didn't leave very much behind for me, but I take what I can and thank him for that much.
He reminds me how we really don't get to mourn the dead like we used to.  Now we pick at their bones for what little they have left to keep us alive another day, to prolong this horrible nightmare.
Too often I've turned my back on the screams of those who couldn't be saved so I could save myself, and for so long I've told myself that this is the way the world is.With so much loss around us, you can't think about it for too long without the sickening feeling that pours into your stomach, and that's one thing we do not have time for out here.  I suppose if there's one lesson to learn from his choice, it's that there is always another way out.

There's isn't a thing living or dead for miles.
His body's undisturbed and hasn't been gnawed on by something awful yet.
He chose this spot well.
He knew exactly what he was doing.

I'm compelled to take a moment to say goodbye to another brother in arms, to try and remember why we used to honor the dead, so maybe we could draw strength from their passing.  After so many have died in the most futile vanity, it becomes senseless and sooner or later, just reflex.  With so little behind me, and nothing on the horizon, maybe a reminder of our humanity is exactly what I need.  It's this reminder I thank him for the most, because it's more valuable than any weapons or food he could have left behind for me.

Then again.

The more people I come across just like him, they only carve deeper into the void leave nothing to fill the profound sense of lost that soon follows. Nothing but  a reminder that sooner or later I'm going to be lying right where he is.  Cold...and alone

Alison's missing

I Waited for her all night long.
Every moment in the darkness was dragged out like a lifetime.
Each time the wind came through and rustled the leaves, my heart jumped hoping it was her footsteps moving with it just like I had taught her.  She never came out of the dark though, and once the sun finally came up, I had to try and find her myself.
As insane as it seemed, I had no choice but to try.
After all, there have been countless times before where blind luck has been kind and brought us together despite the odds, but I can't help but wonder if that luck has run out on me.
There's nothing quite like the frantic panicked search for the ones you love.
Despite the critical need for rational thought in moments like these, the mind is over-run with a sickening unsettling need to run in circles and lose yourself....
Things never used to be on the line quite like they are now, there is no room for error, and the wrong step could be your death sentence.  The reaper has us all in his arms, now I'm stuck wondering if her time had come, if he had finally taken the last thing I had, and left me alone in the world.

The Night

More often than I’d like to admit, I find myself on nights like these with my face buried in my hands, crying and saying over and over again how much I miss you. 

How bad it hurts to be out here alone. 

And how I’m not sure how long I can go down this road knowing what I know. 

I try to remind myself again and again why I must, I try to tell myself crazy things like you’re somewhere out there watching over me, waiting for me to finally find what I’m looking for.  But that only breaks my heart more to think you can see me like this when I am so weak, so lost.  For so long this fight made sense, there was purpose to be found in the way ahead, but as each day drags on, that light gets darker and darker, until finally, I’ve lost my way completely.  The fear has always been in the not knowing, the stranger on the other side of the door, never before have I been so terrified of wha’s waiting for us in the dark, as if all the wonder and reason has been lost forever and all that’s left to be found are the things we’ve been trying so hard to hide.  The things we try so hard to forget about and let time take them away with its passing.  I’ve always been foolish to think these things can ever be buried, the truth has a life of its own, and you can be sure one way or another it will dig itself up.  I can’t help but wonder if somewhere in there, is an awful truth that I never thought possible.

That perhaps, my end will be just as worthless as the rest. 

That this whole time I’ve been so scared to find the truth that I buried behind me long ago, that nothing I did made a difference, and I’ve been running from myself this entire time.  I wonder how different I would feel if you were still here at my side.  I remember how invincible I was, knowing I had you to come home to, and I don’t doubt for a second it saved my life more than once or twice.  Even after you left, I carried it with me into the darkest of days and still managed to find my way out.  Countless times I’ve tried to do what you thought was right, and keep what little of that we had alive and well.  Each day that goes by though, it seems to get heavier and instead of lifting me up to fight another day, it leaves me exhausted and crying my eyes out just like tonight, asking myself just how much longer can we let this go on?  Like all other things, I feel only so much of this is up to me, and sooner or later, the choice I need to make is going to be clear as crystal.

Why Now?

Why now?

An old classic of a question, and a stupid one at that, yet we cannot seem to stop ourselves from asking it can we?  I never thought you’d come back, that’s the gods honest truth.   

I buried you a long time ago and thought I ran away more than fast enough to get away in time, but I guess there’s some things that are just meant to be. 

Just like this awful dance between you and me. 

The rhythm of it is too subtle to really notice, so it always seems like some of these steps just come out of nowhere, but I know it’s just the world bringing me back to you one way or another.  Maybe this is just its way of telling me I’d better keep up, because we all know what being left behind means, after all, isn’t that what I’ve been though through this whole time?  Chasing that name on the tip of my tongue that faint memory of your touch, and all the nights I’ve laid awake wondering if you were out there somewhere dong the same…  Even the strongest of men have to come face to face with their moments of weakness, no doubt, this has been one of them, but the need to press on is all I have left, it’s what gets us through this, and what carries these broken hearts into tomorrow.

Run

We ran into the night, our footsteps back-lit by the cities burning behind us.
It wouldn't be until we stopped and caught our breath that we'd start to wonder about the ones that did't make it out.  Trying to wait as long as we could, we knew nowhere is safe right now, and it seems like the only way to stay alive is to stay moving, every time we stop even for a second it doesn't take a moment for everything to fall apart.  We haven't even gotten started yet, but already I can see some of the others start to fade as this chase goes on, and I can't help but think about the time coming around the corner when we'll have to make more of those touch choices.  the longer this goes on though, the less difficult they become, in the face of almost certain death, they only get clearer like crystal.  We'll keep this up tonight for as long as we can, but sooner or later we'll have to rest, and I don't want to think about what what will happen next.

I can't help but feel like we've wasted too much time commemorating the past that's slipped through our fingers, but at the same time, I can't blame them.  The burden of what we've lost weighs heavy on me also, and I suppose that's why I try so hard not to think about it.  These days have become far too short though, and never before have we had to be so careful of what we carry with us, and I'm sure that this is one of those things best left behind so that we might have a chance of carrying on. After all... I can't tell you how many times I've pried those sentiments from the cold clutched hands of the dead.

Unlike the way things used to be, there is no one to learn the lessons the dead leave behind for us, so indeed these are the most vein of sacrifices.  All I can really ask for is that I don't end up being found by someone who's doing the same to be, that this thing I'm trying to keep alive will make it somewhere I can be sure it will be safe even after I'm gone.  I know that's asking a lot, but after all we've been through, I don't deserve anything less.  In the end it probably won't be up to me, we can only stay on the run like this for so long until it catches up  to us, I've seen it time and time again, but that never seems to stop us from running does it?  Maybe that's why there's still people out there trying so hard to hold it together... But again...  We all know where that ends up.  The road ahead has never been so dark as it is now, and its never been easy thing to get anyone to march into that, but one thing I know is that if we don't try, we don't stand a chance....

Cheap Talk

I try not to ask myself how we've ended up here, how it is that we could have let things come to this.
Once you start to go down that road though, there's no going back, and there sure aren't any answers to be found along the way.  Only a man who's been there and back can tell you that, but even they're few and far between to find.  All we can do right now is get a handle on what's still in front of us, but with so little left in the wake, that isn't saying very much.

This is what seems to separate us from them, the need to mach on with only the faintest threads of hope left holding us together, the compulsion to stare the fate of the many in the eye and tell it, you're different...  Talk used to be cheap, but out here it's just worthless, that is unless you have something real to back it up with.  This isn't some kind of blind faith that we march ahead with, unlike those who thing the only thing waiting for us is the life after this one, we know somewhere out there is a future we can put our hands on, or at the very least, die trying...

Victory

They screamed out into the night with not a care for all the things that were hiding in the dark, because tonight they were drunk on victory and they were the ones who were to be feared.

Times like these we forget the lessons of hubris and lose ourselves in what it means to feel alive again, nights like tonight we celebrate a moment without fear, a moment without the constant eye out for consequence.  Its nights like this that come once in a life time, and these days, lifetimes ain’t what they used to be.  I know that when the sun comes up, and tomorrows coming cannot be postponed any further, we’ll have to leave this victory where it belongs.  

When the worst is always in front of you, even a glimmer of the way things used to be is worth betting your life on, and despite all the misgivings in my heart, this bet paid off.  I wish you could have been here to see it.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look of the fire in their eyes, like a million year old crime finding justice for the first time.

The Stir From The Deep - Date Unknown

I saw love in their eyes tonight and like some old forgotten language, I could only catch the gist of what they were conveying between one another.  Those old feelings do not take much to muster though, and before I knew what was going on, I was wrapped up in memories of you and the times when we looked at each other the same way.

That was a long time ago, far past needing to be remembered.  You don’t get to chose what sticks around though and there are some things that you just can't shake off. For me, she will probably always be one of them, “The one that got away” they used to say, an old tragic cliche.

At the end of the day, I get it.  I know why thing are the way they are, and even better than that, I know I cannot change the things I would like to.  But that’s the life we live, our only choice in the face of this is to make something of the things that we can still change.  If there’s one place you can look to find this, it’s inside of yourself.  That is a scary journey to take though and even I find myself a coward in times when I should show the bravery my mother used to speak of.

Tragedy is like gravity, it has no morals, and it claims the young and the old alike. It is always waiting around the corner, and he's an unpredictable beast who has no regard for your life when it’s moving along well.  When you’re up against such relentless enemies, you must be just as relentless yourself, even in the face of the most hollowing of sights.

This is where so many people lose their ground, when they are not willing or able to do what it takes, to bear witness to the reasons why fear lives in our hearts.  It is no surprise that their stomach turns so easily at the sight of it, this isn’t the way things are supposed to be after all.  The few of us who can bear the burden of the horror, we lead the scared and weak through the dark with their eyes shut tightly.  Like terrified children they don't stand a chance without a hand to guide them through it.  I know I can't save them all.  Losing her taught me that.  I do what I can though, and no matter what that must be enough.  If it is not, well, then none of us stand a chance out here.

There's a sediment of my love that has been stirred by the look they have for each other.  It’s another reminder among few, another reason why we resist, why we keep this fight going, and why I try to save as many of them as I can.  I have no doubt I try so hard because I could not save her, and every hand that takes mine to find a way out, I cannot refuse.  When our wars are over, there will need to be someone left behind to learn all the lessons it had to teach us.  Otherwise this, all this fades into vanity and nothingness.  Part of me cannot live with that, and though I know that could change any day, I will not stop.  I will not let this fade without a fight for my life.  Even though it may just cost me that, I’m ok with that.

The Meaning - Date Unknown

For a long time now all I have seen down the road ahead is doom and gloom.
With good reason of course.
After all we’ve done to each other, all the awful plans we had in store for one another, how can you blame me?  The future has been bleak at best, and that’s a hard tomorrow to walk into.  But hope lies in the step we take into the unknown, the choice we make to shatter this dark future.

Those who work so hard to hide our salvation always do so behind curtains of fear and certain death.  They aren’t fools after all, they know it works every time.  Too many have been brought up to think their strength lies somewhere outside of themselves.  Many fall victim to these clever tricks and go through life with empty hearts.  I used to see them passing me every day, their sleeping souls floating behind those thirsty glassy eyes.  

Things change though.  Even the big stuff we think will always stay the same.  It is in this where I find my solace, my comfort in a hope for hope.  If this is not a reason to endure, I know not what else could be.

That has been the trick this whole time.
So many people immediately brandished the most violent lashes of their force.  But no one can keep that up forever.  Our enemy isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and his best accomplice follows you wherever you run to, because it hides in you.  The damage is always two fold when you do battle on your own ground, all the victims and pitfalls of its course sink into the mud and permeate the earth of our hearts.  The aftermath stays around long after the rain does its best work, and our scars bear a constant reminder to how deep their hold is on us.

I’m not special, I’ve never thought that somehow I’d end up where I am today.  All I know is that I’m here whether I like it or not, and these days ahead are mine to make.  You have to be patient though, and you must endure.  Fear and horror are the campaigns of their war on us, those who cannot stand the sights of them cannot stand against their tyranny over the human spirit.  That is what this is about after all, holding onto the purest forms of the human condition in an attempt to keep the candle lit as we march through the dark.  Sometimes this means bearing witness to the awful stuff.  After all, someone has to, otherwise it will fade into vanity, a shame indeed.

This has always been our struggle, to bring meaning into this world and nurture it into something that can pass itself on.  We’ve always come up with the cleverest ways of doing this, in the face of everything we've done, we’ve still carried our stories through time. 

As insurmountable the odds seem, nothing’s changed. We’ve always been up against the end, it has just never been so pronounced as it is now.  I’ve seen the weak ones let it rattle their resolve, but those of us who know what’s at stake here, they hold their ground like it’s the last piece of the world they can call their own.  I know that for better or worse, I have no choice but to push on and do the only thing it is I know.

Keep this alive.

The Simple Stuff - Date Unknown

It’s the sad songs we always seem to dance to.

As lovely as that is, even in the undeniable grace of our practiced steps we can’t deny the tune of our hearts beating in unison.  There seems to be no hope in the things I hope for, the ground we’ve rooted  ourselves in is cold and void of the rich life I thought that I tasted on your lips.

I’m not sure what it is about the song of sorrow and its power to bring us together, but I cannot deny the rhythm that it has us trapped in.  I’ve been dancing around for so long now that I’ve started to come to my senses.  We always promised it would never be like this, that nothing would ever let us become so lost.  Now I know, keeping that promise is breaking me, and it is destroying both of us in the process.

Too often we’re willing to charge into certain death just to prove a point.

That’s a great way to get yourself killed, but it’s no way to see something through until the very end.  I have never been content with unfinished business, this is no exception.  I know that I can’t go on anymore carrying your name and all that it means to me.  Instead I have to remember my own reasons for doing this, for going on in the face of everything.  There’s no way I will ever forget you, but much of the memory will have no choice but to slip away.

I suppose that’s one of the catch 22’s that have snuck up on me.  The choices are becoming fewer and farther between.  As difficult as it is to have so much taken, you cannot deny the weight that becomes lifted, the burden of responsibility that vanishes, and how the world becomes so much simpler.  The wrath of the world has always brought us back to basics, but how quickly we can forget such reminders.

I wonder if it just got tired of us not listening, the world that is.  If it got tired of our narrow and impenetrable minds.

So it turned itself upside down and started to shake us off.

There’s no room for disbelief when the sky is falling, everyone runs for dear life.  The trick was giving us something we couldn’t run from anymore.  This didn’t stop people from trying, and they met their end with turned backs and the scent of a coward on their panicked breaths.  The only ones who were left standing were those who knew when to stand their ground.  Though many of them met death, at least they saw it coming and forced him to see the fire that lives in the hearts of men.

This is a long and lonely road.  Once you’ve gone down it enough, that hellfire that churns in a man’s heart is slowly smothered by the landscape of its mirror, the darkness.

We all have different reasons why we go on, why we fight like this, at the end of the day,they do not matter.  All that counts is the courage to walk into the dark.

I can still remember when I was a little boy and terrified of the dark.  I can still see all the horrors I imagined that were waiting for me in the blackness, all those nights I spent curled up in a ball under the blankets, a terrified prisoner of myself.  People rarely grow out of that fear.  Though they’ll never admit it, there is a darkness out there that still sends shivers down all of our spines, that makes us feel like that scared little child again.  This never changes, the only difference between them and I is that despite the terror that waits, I know the only way out of this is through that blackness.

You have to be careful with what you carry in with you and you must forget all that you’re afraid to lose.  Fear is loudest when it echos in the darkness, it never has to lift a finger, it knows our own destruction lies within.

For so long I had been lost in the dark, even now I still wonder if I really have cleared the boundaries of its grasp.  Lost in there I found something very few people do a second chance, a future.
How could I pass that up?

People turn their backs on you all the time, there is no escaping that.  But what you turn your back on, that is a different story.  Too often people are in the clutches of the awfulness and they turn away salvation, hope, and promise.  Seeing one destroy himself is hard to bear, after all we’ve lost, to see us destroy ourselves is beyond shameful.  I always used to tell myself they didn’t know any better, but I know now more that never, that is no excuse.

The Odds - Date Unknown

There is nothing to be found in this world worth living for that does not demand sacrifice.  Many of us choose different things that we’re willing to give up or turn our backs on, but no matter who you are, the piper has to be paid.  

I myself am no exception to the rule, and there is so much that I have lost in the names I keep on the tip of my tongue.  These days there isn’t anything but time to waste thinking about all the choices that have brought me to where I stand right now, the journey with a dangerous path.

The road inside oneself is uncharted and treacherous, many find themselves lost forever, trapped in the never ending maze of questions.  Not many are brave enough to see what lives within, and when they finally do, the scare is enough to make anyone forget anything they ever saw or even worse drive them mad.  The brave ones, they have what it takes to look the devil in the eye and put him in his place.

Despite this, you can’t win all the time, and its days like these that make me question my resolve.  These days the battles are long, and they’re not over until they’ve taken every last ounce of your strength.  Going on in the face of this is quite possibly the definition of impossible.

It’s am impossible world we live in though, and it’s that fact alone that has kept me going throughout the whole ordeal.  If I hadn’t seen all the things I have up until now, this all might have ended for me a long very long time ago.  I’ve seen the odds beaten, the rules broken till they’re black and blue, until I can’t even tell if up is up or down is down anymore.  It’s in the face of this that one can hope to prove them all wrong.

The hit’s just keep on coming, and for so long this is something we’ve tried desperately to insulate ourselves from.  You can only deny such a truth for so long, eventually it will grow tired of your games and come knocking with full force.  I’ve known this since long before all this began, and I know it is one of the very few things I have left from the old world.  When you live on the run, there isn’t room for baggage of any kind.  I’ve spent all this time cutting parts of myself loose to make room for the more critical burdens.

It’s in this sea of loss here men lose themselves.

I cannot let myself be another one of them.

The Depths - date unknown

There is something missing, no doubt in that.
It is too easy to grab onto the reasons closest to you, the old obvious things that try to explain it all away in some cloud of rationalization.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t indulged myself.  In fact it’s because of those lost days, because of the millions of other things I could blame, that is how I have learned to know better.  I’ve never been one to worry about the others, the distant, the lost, but there have been moments when even I have tried to.

I know why she left me, there is no mystery in that.
But why I cannot admit it to myself, eludes me beyond reason.
There is no doubt things could have been profoundly different, but dwelling on that gets us nowhere towards tomorrow.  There is so little to be gained from the “what if’s”, too often life is squandered on such fruitless pursuits.  The treasures of the world were burned to distill the most pure meaningless indulgences.  This is the landscape I am forced to stare across every day.  An empty world with empty people.

There is no depth inside of themselves to dive into, no soul to immerse yourself in.  Only a hard shallow bottom which tactfully reminds you how painful it is to slam into. 
This is why, people, trust, love, are all leaps of faith into a hope there’s something waiting to embrace you, something to break the fall.
More often than not we jump like fools knowing full well what is waiting for us at the bottom.

Nothing hurts quite like a slam in the face when you’re not expecting it.
When you were sure this time would be different, and every fiber of your being is screaming for you to go for it.  Next thing you know you’re wondering how you got this bloody nose and why everything hurts worse than anything you've ever felt.

What happened to us was different.
There was nothing natural about it.
When I dove into her soul, I found a world I thought only existed in the most childish of storybooks.  The depths went on and on,the warmth of her heart kept me safe, and I felt like I didn’t have to come up for air days at a time. 

When I lost her, I felt the waters around me go cold.  In the most panicked of reflexes I tried to swim for the surface for air, but I quickly saw that it had iced over, and I’ve been trapped in the cold depths ever since.  Frozen in time and trapped in her loss.

I’ve given up on finding a way out at this point, because for so may reasons, things I’ve done, and mistakes I’ve made, I know hope abandoned me the day she did.  Still, I am trapped in a constant reminder of this, and I can never escape that.

Know your enemy - date unknown

I never thought I’d see a day like today, a day where things finally became so clear.  Though the vision they’ve crystallized into is horrific, at least I know what I am dealing with.
Knowing how bad things are is one thing.
It’s the not knowing that kills you.
The mystery that lurks behind fears shadow.
There are many times when I’ve been forced to endure that sentence with no hope of reprieve.  Eventually you learn to live with the holes left behind and carry on as if they’re a part of you. 
This has never sat well with me though.
I’ve never been content with such unfinished business.
So like all other things in this world, I’ve demanded more than the same old story.
Because after all I have been though, it is not enough to help me sleep at night.
They may sleep better than most, but the lull they’re caught up in is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, biding its time until the kill is sure.
I’ve seen too many go out that way. 
Though I’d like to say I knew better, the truth is I learned better.  It took time, but not much.  We didn’t have any to waste on examining the nature of things, only to dispense all the violence our bodies had to offer and grab anything in sight that could fill our bellies if only for a few moments.  Not even a second of rest was on our minds, let alone all we’d have to atone for once we realized how far this had taken us.  Now that I’ve had all this time to stew in my thoughts and have nothing but the flashbacks of terror to remind me what’s brought me here.  I think about all I would give to lose myself in the throws of pure uncomplicated battle.
I have no such luxury in this fight, for my enemy is a complex creature who holds nothing but contempt for my survival.  This foe I face has no intention on making anything easy on me. 
Part of me is thankful for the challenge, the other dreads the uphill battle to a certain and no doubt pointless death.
Too often I worry that all I have left is to protect purpose, to maintain the keepsake of our cherished nature.  It is a burden which weighs so heavy on me I am constantly breaking in all the wrong places.
I can remember how lonely I used to feel out in the wild.  How all I could think about what finding someone, anyone who could remind me that as bad as it seems, we’re never that lost, never that far from one another.  Eventually you get over it after seeing it time and time again, you see just how fucked up this has made people.  Doubt becomes removed, and “being better off without them” is the understatement of a lifetime.  The first step is to break yourself in, feel the hurt, and let the things you’ll never feel again die, so the rest of you can keep living, keep fighting, till  the end.  No matter what awfulness awaits.

grabbing on, and letting go - date unknown

As I am sitting beside this flickering candle, so my hopes continue to fade as the dying flame slowly burns out to it’s last breath.  I can probably make it through one more night of this, granted I make it through this one.
I fucked up.
I don’t know what I was thinking but now I am lost, out of food, and nowhere near anything I find vaguely useful to my survival.
These aren’t the times for dwelling on mistakes though.
The only way I have ever made it this far is by sending those thoughts right back where they belong and remembering why I walk.
I feel caught up in the constant struggle between the pull of fear and my promise.
This has become even bigger than that though, because the things that I carry inside of myself are the last of their kind.  And though I doubt I’ll ever find someone to pass them to who could carry them on, I will settle for dying knowing I gave them the best chance they had.  That in itself is what gives these things their essence.  The selfless pursuit of something greater than yourself.  Though this world has taken so much away from us, one thing it has left behind are plenty of good reasons worth dying for.
She was one of them.
My mother another.
The list goes on and on.
That’s the thing though.
No one is keeping track anymore, the score is a wash.  There is no point in pretending we’re even playing anymore because the game has changed, the only rule is, we’re not writing them anymore.
That is clear as crystal.
The biggest problem in the beginning was how people were not willing to let go of this misguided idea that they controlled a damn thing.  And that is why it was so easy for them to be over run and burned down from the inside.  I supposed what made me different is how quickly I saw it for what it really was.  Everyone else though took their time learning the hard things, but there aren’t anymore second chances left, we’ve been robbed of that luxury.  They learned this the hard way and died pointless useless deaths.
That was something I really had to get used to.
For so long it turned my stomach to see such a waste of our own salvation.
If there ever was any to begin with.
After all I have seen, I can only say that there isn’t, and as heavy it makes my heart, I know that even in the face of the most crushing defeats a man must stand in the face of certain death, dig his feet deep into his convictions and hold the only ground you have left to truly call your own.  If this is all I end up dying for, I’m ok with that.