no title - date unknown

I did what they were afraid to do.

It’s as simple as that. 

I’ve seen fears grace, and the places it takes you to.

They follow like sheep, herding together like scared little children, hoping their numbers can scare the bogyman away. 

They’re all fools.

He lives inside of them, and the more faces you bring together, the more shapes he can take. 

I have no delusions about myself, the same horrible thing could be just as deeply rooted in me, but at least I take it far away where it can’t hurt anyone.  I knew there was no hope in their futures, and unlike them, I wasn’t afraid to do what had to be done.

Their sense of safety is false, and they hubris they’ve built their wax walls out of is sure to fall when the truth comes calling.  I’ve heard it for a long time now, long before all this started.  This is just proof and truth of everything that I already knew.

That we’re fucked.

Candice - Date Unknown

She died in my arms.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

They used to say no one should ever outlive a child, but that’s a lie.

When we lose them, even to things less horrible than this, the pain is so immense and overbearing, it becomes a constant reminder to never let it happen again.  The sick part about it is the way the feeling starts to fade with every body we find left in this wake. 

How it slowly becomes “normal”.

That was the moment I realised things had really changed. 

When she died in my arms, and I felt nothing left for the spoil of a child. 

I knew right then, that there was no going back from this.

That the world truly became a different place and nothing about it was going to change anytime soon.

That is when the suicides started, when entire camps would fall to the ground, and like all their hopes, they’d drown in the mud and wait for decays sweet sick breath to take them away.  So much has been lost, and until now, the plan was to earn it all back, down to the last drop. 

What we lost though, was something inside of ourselves, something we can never have back.

Our search to fill our hearts with some kind of purpose is as pointless as the death of the girl that died in my arms.  The mistake we’ve made is looking for a point in this, some reason, an excuse to go on.

Sleeve Tricks - Date Unknown

I can’t say I’m surprised.  There’s no doubt in that.

The reality is I can’t say very much at all.

That being said, it’s not enough to calm the crashing tide of feeling that is churning around in me like an ocean of guilt.  I’m asking myself all the wrong questions.

“What could I have done differently?”

“Is this all my fault?”

These are the ramblings we find clutched in the cold hands of the dead.

They are nothing but a warning of where their path leads to.

It won’t be long until this reality finally hits me, but until then, I lose myself in a maze of sadness, so much so, I am reduced to the tears of a child.  The only vestige of comfort is in knowing it will not last, that sooner or later, I will come to my senses, and see this for what it really is.   Even with this hope buried deep in my heart, it’s hard to keep the cold out, and too often, I find myself holding my breath in fear of it being blown out, “gone with the wind” as they once said.  Like a sickness that passes with the days, so will this, and all these stupid useless questions will fade beyond memory.  For now I stay as strong as I can, knowing it will take all of me to make it through this. 

I let the fever run its course.

I indulge the delirium it brings with it.

And I wait.

For the calming darkness to come.

So I can find that glow inside of myself again, and find my way back to it.

The End - Final Entry - Date Unknown

The end is near.

I can feel it like a cold wind carrying the rattles of what’s to come. 

Whatever form it decides to take, I am ready for it. 

It has been far too long since I’ve felt anything this real, there’s no way I am turning my back on it.  After all, the greatest honour men covet is to meet their end face to face. 

For too long we’ve been robbed of that dignity.  

Too many have died face down in the mud. 

We spend our entire lives running from this, staying just far enough away so we don’t feel the electric tingle of its proximity.  The lucky ones, the ones ready to face it, they die on their feet, and I’ve never planned on doing it any other way. 

Lucky or not, I’ve earned this much. 

I owe it to myself to stop running and do what needs to be done. 

The hardest part has been coming this far, coming to the point where I can see with no doubt, how pointless this is. 

I’ve been fighting for so long, it is all I know, the idea of giving up has been so impossible. 

This isn’t about what I want anymore.

I’m ok with that.

So I plan on doing something about it.

Treasures - date unknown

There were problems right from the beginning. 

Signs that set off the gut you should have listened from the start.

No point in thinking about that now.  All that’s worth worrying about is our next move. 

We started with 25, there are 13 of us left. 

On our way back from the raid we got cut off by a horde 50 bodies thick. 

We had too many people with us.

I knew it was a fucking bad idea.

I tried to warn them, but we needed every hand we could get.

There was so much to carry, and we didn’t want to miss our chance before someone else cleaned it out.  But on our way back, while trying to go around the mass, we were hit with more runners than I’ve seen in years.

It took everything we had to put them all down. 

We were caught off guard and there’s no excuse of it. 

But those runners, there had to be almost a hundred, they were fresh, and they were fast.

The fight drew the horde and we had to make a run for it. 

That’s when people start to die.

When you run.

When you have no choice but to turn your back on a fight and run for dear life.  We made it back to some high ground and put distance between us and them.

But we lost everything we came for. 

We’re going to hold up for the night, try to make it back in the morning. 

But I don’t think anyone knows where the fuck we are, and I’ll be surprised if more than 5 of us make it back.

Ft Churchill - date unknown

I sat at the foot of her bed and smoked a cigarette. 
The end becomes something you think about more and more, while the reminders of hope come by less and less.  You might say, all that’s left is hope for an end, but even that in itself is misleading. 

An end has always been expected, but our expectations have been taken away. 

In the wake of all this, there is a void left behind, a chasm in which these thoughts plummet into, all in an attempt to satisfy its bottomless hunger.  All that is left is a restless wait for the unknown to cease, for rest from the fear of uncertainty. 

The problem is, people wait around thinking the end is going to fall onto their lap.   
That someday it will make its way around here. 

They wait for something that is never coming.  Because it is out there, in the world, waiting for us to find it. 

We can’t stay here. 

I know it won’t be long before others find this place. 

I’m not interested in sharing with anyone, because that gets you killed.   
They can have it all.  
We’ll take what little we need and be gone before they knew we were here. 

It’s so hard to think about these things while she lays there in the kind of peaceful sleep we used to enjoy before all of this.  I can’t remember the last time she looked so beautiful.
So happy.   
But we can’t stay, no matter how safe it is.  
As hard as I would fight to keep all of this for her, from what we’ve seen, it would take a small army to hold the whole place.  
As much as I want to give her a thousand peaceful nights of sleep, it’s not worth dying over.   
Clinging is what gets you killed.  
It’s the ones who can let go, cut and run, without hesitation. 
They’re the ones who live to see another day.

We only have two cigarettes left and I am planning on saving them until it gets cold or until things get bad.  
Everything else, we have plenty of.
We’re going to need all of it. 

It’s 50 miles until we get deep enough into the country, and that alone could take us up to a  month to travel at the rate we’ve seen.   
The city is lost, and the chaotic singularity that was born from it is starting to spill out. 

We have to stay ahead of them, and though that doesn’t take much, we’re only coming across more and more of peoples horrifying resolve. 

I will let her sleep one more night after this.

Then we have to leave.

The Fires - date unknown

His face was weathered and ashen and covered in the soot of what’s been burned.  Nothing but its dry empty remnants smudged under his eyes and pushed deep into the cracks in his face. 

“How many?” I asked him

“Too many, you’d better get out of here.”

He ran with the good instinct of the coward, so in form with the fool I kept following the howls. 

They had spent enough time getting ready, digging moats, stocking up on food and weapons. 

I never doubted they’d be able to put up one hell of a fight, but fallsview had it better.   
Everyone always used to talk about it like the last stand, the one place we knew we could fall back to and hold until the end of time.  When you get comfortable in these thoughts, you slip up… 

They had gotten comfortable, and each step I take towards them is another march into anxiety.

People already started to jump ship, and I can’t be sure she won’t be one of them.

The Dance - date unknown

Like all the rest, I am out here searching for a sense of peace from this. 

I’ve seen many go out in search for it and never come back. 

They only leave behind the kinds of legends that make us think somewhere out there, it’s waiting for us to find it. 

So we can finally breathe easy.

The sad things are always the simple ones. 

The very thing they are chasing after is the prison they’re doomed to live in. 

The only place you’ll ever find peace, is within yourself, and the idea that it is somewhere out in the world, that it’s not already a part of you, is a threat to it being found.  It’s the horrible dance that always keeps it out of our reach, yet it still keeps us dancing.  

Fallsview

It took me 13 days to get to the falls.

Dennis had shown me the way there more than once.

But it was thick with corpses.

Not like anything I’ve seen since the beginning.

Took me 4 days to get around them.

Once I cleared the woods, I came into the field being overlooked by the wall of stone where they dug in.

No spotters.

No traps.

Only death and its awful litter.

I reached the base of the cliff-face and made my way up. 

By the time I reached the entrance, I could already see something had gone terribly wrong.  The only good thing about the smell?  It’s the warning of what lies ahead of it.  The awful part is the fear it carries on its breath, the cold shiver that reminds me I could be next.

I didn’t waste any time.

Everyone was dead, and if they weren’t.

Well.

I couldn’t be bothered to drag them back with me.

I didn’t even bother trying to find any supplies.

It’s been 20 days now, and I am almost back to camp.

The trails and ridges I scouted to carry me home are swarming now.

But I will make it home.

I have to warn them.

I have to get her out of there. 

no title - date unknown

We’ve been on the move for weeks now. 
Most of what we come across is a reminder of how bad this is. 
Seeing hundreds of years of hard work and collaboration torn down and burned to the ground.  Most of the places we’ve come across have been abandoned, left for dead like the rest. 
A few days ago we found a camp of about 15 people. 
As soon as we saw them, we knew they weren’t doing any better than the rest. 
A family, an old man, a young woman, a young man, the typical story. 
They were thin, hungry, some were sick, and they all had the grief in their eyes. 
Like everyone else we’ve come across they were in mourning. 
Mourning the loved ones hey lost, the world that was gone, and the way things were taken from us.  They had questions like everyone else.  “Who are you?  Do you know what’s happening? Got any food to eat?”  Our answers always fell short of their hopes.  Like them we we’re just trying to “get away” whatever the fuck that means.  And like most of the others, they were desperate.  Desperation is dangerous because it has no conscience.  It’s a cousin of the purest necessity and it can’t be trusted with the morals of man. 
We approached them with caution and told them the usual story.
That we knew nothing and were just like them. 
Looking for anything familiar, anything to eat. 
Like all the others they were conflicted, divided, arguing constantly in the chaos of what’s been left behind for us.  This one guy named Michael kept going on about how lucky the ones who died on the last day were.  How if he knew what awaited us he wouldn’t have bothered fighting.  More pointless bullshit, because at the end of the day he didn’t have the guts to let death into his life.  Then again, neither do we, so that night we abandoned them and kept moving away from the city.  I’m sure they won’t make it far.

shane - date unknown

I don’t trust him.
After a long night of arguing I finally convinced her I would give it a chance. 
Something is not right though, and I plan on saying whatever I have to in order to figure out what it is.  We’ve come this far and I can’t help but wonder if the isolation is finally getting to me, if maybe I can’t let my guard down and see this for what it really is.  But then in comes that screaming paranoia.
Reminding me how many times it has kept me safe.
How many times it’s been right.
How many times trust has been wrong. 
There’s a reason things are too good to be true though, and after everything we’ve seen, I’m not willing to let that instinct go so easily, not after all it has done for me. 
So I for now.
I will play along.
But I don't trust him.

It had to be done - date unknown.

Sometimes something happens to you and all the questions & uncertainties step aside so you can do what needs to be done.  All that confusion and worry just drains out and the weightlessness that ensues is a bizarre circumstance. 
Pinhole vision sets in and blocks out the periphery. 
The thing you’ve locked into is all that is left in the universe, and its draw is cosmic.  In the face of such clarity I had no choice but to give in, no choice but to let go and forget to think about what this would mean when it was over.  All that mattered was that it was done. 
I’m not a monster but what I did was nothing short of monstrous. 
They took my heart. 
So I took all of theirs, every single one. 
I knew I had to destroy every piece of them to the last. 
And so I did
I killed the mothers.
I killed the daughters. 
I killed their sons and fathers. 
I even killed their fucking dogs.  I
I could have nothing less than their total obliteration. 
They took everything I had. 
Everything I was. 
So I took them out of the history books. 
Hah.  If there is even anyone left out there keeping track.
I took the “innocent” ones, the ones whose only crime was being touched by his love.  I had to prove to him that I would settle nothing less.  That I’d burn everything they had to the ground and watch until the last glowing embers died out. 
So I could be sure they were gone forever. 
Until that day, I’d never hurt anything unless it got in my way, and even then I would give it a chance to get the fuck out of it. 
Them? 
I didn’t give a single chance. 
Just like she didn’t have one. 
It’s only fair. 
The only thing she did was give her best and love me just as much as I loved her.  The purity of it was what made them sick, it made him sick.  And if they couldn’t palate it, no one could. 
So with the same destructive resolve I turned their hate back in on them.
What came out though, was so much worse that what they did, so much darker than their intentions. 
I became the monster that lived inside of them, and when they saw the terrifying thing in my eyes, they knew the coming death would be a desirable escape from the horror in front of them.  Some got to go quickly, mostly because I didn’t have time to waste. 
But when it was his turn, I took my time. I wanted him to feel every nuance of the consequence.  People used to say it’s dangerous to take power away from a man.  That he’ll do anything to get it back.  For me, she was my strength, she gave me the power not to become what they turned me into. 
With her gone there is nothing left to stop me anymore. 
I have nothing to reclaim because she’s gone.
So I tore a hole in the world just as big as the one inside of myself
I made a monument of their foolish mistake. 
I didn’t question a second of it, and I didn’t care what it would mean when it was over. 
It had to be done.
Maybe I am a monster for doing it, but if I am, it is the one they made me.

Untitled - Date Unknown

If I believed in such a thing as the soul I would probably tell you how crushed it feels right now. 

I’ve felt lost before in every sense of the word but this is different.  It’s gotten so bad that every direction I go in seems like the wrong one, and every step I take feels like a march towards the end.

I’ve been expecting to see more than this, each sign of humanity I come across is quickly met with disappointments familiar face.  Like a ghost coming out to remind me how scared I should be.  Even the sway of shoulders in the distance or footsteps in the snow bear the signs of decomposition. 

That Swagger.

That calmness only the dead could enjoy.

I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve found another person, and at this point I would settle to find a snap-case who wanted to kill me just so I knew I wasn’t alone.

Goodbye - Date Unknown

I kiss her one last time.

You stupid girl.. 

Did you really think I gave a shit about something so trivial and part of a world we’ve lost forever? 

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? 

Up until this, everything has been for you and I can’t remember taking a breath that wasn’t destined to carry your name on it. 

But now. 

You leave me here with nothing but one last kiss and a promise to take with me.  I don’t think I have ever felt anything so heavy, yet somehow out of the depths of myself comes a burdened strength.

It’s not something to be proud of. 

It comes from a true weakness to do the right thing. 

Instead of being strong where it counts.

Instead of shedding the things that slow me down. 

I dig deep, and I load my back until it almost breaks. 

I tell myself all the time that I carry this because it’s a reminder of what we fight for. 

A hope of a world where we might be able to keep our promises again. 

That if I break it, I burn everything and anything she ever meant to me. 

The truth?

The truth is…

I’m not strong enough to do what I should have.

Burry it with her.

the begining of the end- date unknown.

We’ve lost contact with Freetown.
It has been over a week since we sent out our second runner, and two before that.
The straws are getting shorter, and the idea of them sending another one of us out there is soon to become a reality. 
They’re consumed with a thirst for answers.
I can see their cracked tongues longing to feel the relief of reason.
I can see it in their eyes, the defeat looming behind a curtain of thin hopes. 
It’s the delusions that will soon come in its wake which worry me.  Alison and I know we’re going to have to leave soon, and already we’re starting to think about what we're going to need to steal.  After all, they won't be needing much.  It won’t be long until they tear it all down like the rest.  Like all the others before them, they’re breaking under the weight of all this.  It doesn’t seem to matter how high we build our walls or how good we are at hiding, the meaning of this becomes a prison and it follows us wherever we go, wherever we find shelter. 
I’m not sure what makes her and I so different.  I suppose to us it’s just obvious.  The longer we stick around, the scarier it is going to get around here.  If there is one thing we’re starting to learn, it’s that as scary as the corpses are, they could never outmatch the blackness that can live in a mans heart.  Passion is powerful, even in these times.  If you let a mans passion get behind something terrible, there is little that can stop it.  Some fights aren’t worth it, and if you’re smart enough to tell the difference, chances are you’ll live longer than most.  You could ask the people in Freetown, but I’m sure they’re all dead.