leftovers - date unknown

I’ve lost so much time.

When I really start to think about it in depth, that old panicked compulsion starts to rise through my veins and work its way to the heart.

But this time I know a little bit better.

So while I still can, I get a hold of myself and do my best to remember the truth of the matter.  That no matter how much time you lose, as long as you still have air in your lungs, you can still do something about it.  The real trick is not forgetting that.  Because sometimes the important things slip and you’re left walking down old roads you told yourself not to go down before.  It becomes a lovely manic dance, between a moment of elation, and a perceptual eon of sorrow.  But it is lovely, and all the glitter and glam is just enough to distract you for the one second it needs. 

Then… Poof.. It’s gone

I have no idea how long I’ve been dancing around like this, because it is a thief of time, that’s how stays unnoticed.

I’m not sure exactly what it was that broke the trance for me, and even now I still cannot remember exactly how I got myself out of there.  I suppose all that really matters is that I got out.  But still, I have all kinds of hooks left in me, if I’m not careful and let them get tugged on again, I might end up right back in that same place, doing that same dance.

There’s no doubt that something very serious has changed in me.  I was betrayed, stripped of everything they could take, but I would not accept defeat.  There was only one way that I could win over them, and that was to kill everything inside of myself that I was afraid to lose.

So the killing began, and so did the mourning.

That was the part I did not expect, perhaps because I didn’t want to think they were things I’d miss, or perhaps merely by oversight.  Doing all that killing, it was easy.  What to do with the leftovers, that is a whole other story.

It is what it isn't - date unknown

There’s no hope in trying to scrawl my heart out into one sentence.

But I try anyway.

Knowing this, my hand trembles at the implications.

But I try anyway.

No matter how many days pass by, I cannot shake the feeling that something has been taken away from me.

Not just her, but the world, it’s nature, the way it was supposed to be  This is why I walk on, because I know this isn’t the way things should be, and like a great man once said “life will find a way.”

Blindly I march through these lands unable to see the horrid truth around me.  It’s a saving grace though, and my only chance if I have any intention on finding an answer to these things crawling around in my gut.

That right there is when people start to lose themselves. 

When they stop listening to the scary voices, when they look over the most obvious and terrifying of questions. 

This is how we lose our way, to fear and his perfect cloak of darkness, and this is the way it has always been…

For me, it’s different, because I’ve already called him out for what he is. 

A fucking coward and a liar. 

A weak pathetic scoundrel who hides behind a veil of influence, shrouded in ignorance and excuse. 

It sickens me to see how many he took from us, and all the ones still caught up dancing around in his game.

But he doesn’t have me, and I made sure he knows that.  

Once and a while he sends his henchmen my way, and when they cross my path, I send them right back to him. 

In pieces.

I’ve put fear into countless men’s eyes before they died, with good reason of course.  I wanted them to see the ruthless fuck they worked for, and not even their service to him would spare them his wrath.  Pain can be a beautiful thing when it becomes this useful, especially when you can turn it on the world that has come to hate you so much.  When there’s no escaping it, you have to stop trying and survive until the way out becomes clear.  Too many times I’ve seen good men die for sticking their heads out too soon.  Stuff like that stopped bothering me a long time ago.  If I held onto it, I’d end up just as fucked as the ones I saw who couldn’t deal with the reality that had been brought to our feet.  Though I always tell myself I’m smarter than the rest, I can’t help but feel if it’s getting closer to my day to join them.  When thoughts like those creep in though, that feeling in my gut is there to kick in, and it reminds me that I cannot let it win.

Not over me, and not after all I’ve been through. 

No matter what, I will take back what has been taken from me, even if it means taking back my own death.

duh wuh duh - date unknown

It’s awful that we’ve let things get this bad, and the only thing that is more terrible than that, is how much worse it’s going to get.

I can see the road ahead with such clarity, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. 

I can tell you one thing, it is a horrible sight.

The darkness is always brazen with its plans.

The hubris it takes root in has no fear of us knowing its intentions.

It has no plan on losing to us.

That’s the problem with plans.

They’re meant to be undone by only the purest cleverness.

This is how men like me can keep walking into the lonely sunset.

This landscape of hopelessness.

It is because I know the impossible, can be done.

I know that even one man can claim victory over the armies of evil, and that is why men like me walk this path into the dark carrying the torch of our ruthless pursuit to prove it all wrong, no matter what the cost.

I’ll tell you, it’s a price we pay dearly and daily.

I’ve fought countless battles in the names of so many things, and at the end of all these days, none of it meant anything to me.

But this….

This, is something else.

This is me.

The struggle.

The Burden.

We carry these things like a camel, and even in the deepest of deserts we watch those around us shrivel and fade before we even break a sweat.

I know that there are too few out there willing to do what is right, and it is because I know this, that I have no choice but to pick up where the rest have left off.

My Best - Date Unknown

The best in myself is just that. 

My best.

If it weren’t for that, I’d be just as fucked as the rest.

I was lucky though, I came from good people who were sure to give me what I needed to get by out here.  The thing that I am carrying in myself is the best they had to give to the world.  And that is why I protect it with my life, because it is so much greater than all of us.  That seems to be the difference between us and them.  We are the ones who keep the good things alive, the things that are worth living for.  The rest?  They try to find power in something that isn’t real.  They are the ones who are doomed to destroy us every one of us in their futile quest to control it all. 

This is the great battle. 

The fight between the ones who die to keep something alive, and the ones who kill because they feel nothing for life.  It’s a fight that has been going on for longer than we’ve been around, and there’s no doubt in my mind it will wage on for long after we’re gone. But that doesn’t make our fight any less important, because we need every win we can get. 

I know that someday it will be over, and one of us will be standing on the right side.  Until then, the fight is on, and we press ahead hoping our faith is a better guess than theirs.  And hopefully when it’s the truths time to shine, he’ll shine on us.

no title - date unknown

I did what they were afraid to do.

It’s as simple as that. 

I’ve seen fears grace, and the places it takes you to.

They follow like sheep, herding together like scared little children, hoping their numbers can scare the bogyman away. 

They’re all fools.

He lives inside of them, and the more faces you bring together, the more shapes he can take. 

I have no delusions about myself, the same horrible thing could be just as deeply rooted in me, but at least I take it far away where it can’t hurt anyone.  I knew there was no hope in their futures, and unlike them, I wasn’t afraid to do what had to be done.

Their sense of safety is false, and they hubris they’ve built their wax walls out of is sure to fall when the truth comes calling.  I’ve heard it for a long time now, long before all this started.  This is just proof and truth of everything that I already knew.

That we’re fucked.

Candice - Date Unknown

She died in my arms.

It’s something I’ll never forget.

They used to say no one should ever outlive a child, but that’s a lie.

When we lose them, even to things less horrible than this, the pain is so immense and overbearing, it becomes a constant reminder to never let it happen again.  The sick part about it is the way the feeling starts to fade with every body we find left in this wake. 

How it slowly becomes “normal”.

That was the moment I realised things had really changed. 

When she died in my arms, and I felt nothing left for the spoil of a child. 

I knew right then, that there was no going back from this.

That the world truly became a different place and nothing about it was going to change anytime soon.

That is when the suicides started, when entire camps would fall to the ground, and like all their hopes, they’d drown in the mud and wait for decays sweet sick breath to take them away.  So much has been lost, and until now, the plan was to earn it all back, down to the last drop. 

What we lost though, was something inside of ourselves, something we can never have back.

Our search to fill our hearts with some kind of purpose is as pointless as the death of the girl that died in my arms.  The mistake we’ve made is looking for a point in this, some reason, an excuse to go on.

Sleeve Tricks - Date Unknown

I can’t say I’m surprised.  There’s no doubt in that.

The reality is I can’t say very much at all.

That being said, it’s not enough to calm the crashing tide of feeling that is churning around in me like an ocean of guilt.  I’m asking myself all the wrong questions.

“What could I have done differently?”

“Is this all my fault?”

These are the ramblings we find clutched in the cold hands of the dead.

They are nothing but a warning of where their path leads to.

It won’t be long until this reality finally hits me, but until then, I lose myself in a maze of sadness, so much so, I am reduced to the tears of a child.  The only vestige of comfort is in knowing it will not last, that sooner or later, I will come to my senses, and see this for what it really is.   Even with this hope buried deep in my heart, it’s hard to keep the cold out, and too often, I find myself holding my breath in fear of it being blown out, “gone with the wind” as they once said.  Like a sickness that passes with the days, so will this, and all these stupid useless questions will fade beyond memory.  For now I stay as strong as I can, knowing it will take all of me to make it through this. 

I let the fever run its course.

I indulge the delirium it brings with it.

And I wait.

For the calming darkness to come.

So I can find that glow inside of myself again, and find my way back to it.

The End - Final Entry - Date Unknown

The end is near.

I can feel it like a cold wind carrying the rattles of what’s to come. 

Whatever form it decides to take, I am ready for it. 

It has been far too long since I’ve felt anything this real, there’s no way I am turning my back on it.  After all, the greatest honour men covet is to meet their end face to face. 

For too long we’ve been robbed of that dignity.  

Too many have died face down in the mud. 

We spend our entire lives running from this, staying just far enough away so we don’t feel the electric tingle of its proximity.  The lucky ones, the ones ready to face it, they die on their feet, and I’ve never planned on doing it any other way. 

Lucky or not, I’ve earned this much. 

I owe it to myself to stop running and do what needs to be done. 

The hardest part has been coming this far, coming to the point where I can see with no doubt, how pointless this is. 

I’ve been fighting for so long, it is all I know, the idea of giving up has been so impossible. 

This isn’t about what I want anymore.

I’m ok with that.

So I plan on doing something about it.

Treasures - date unknown

There were problems right from the beginning. 

Signs that set off the gut you should have listened from the start.

No point in thinking about that now.  All that’s worth worrying about is our next move. 

We started with 25, there are 13 of us left. 

On our way back from the raid we got cut off by a horde 50 bodies thick. 

We had too many people with us.

I knew it was a fucking bad idea.

I tried to warn them, but we needed every hand we could get.

There was so much to carry, and we didn’t want to miss our chance before someone else cleaned it out.  But on our way back, while trying to go around the mass, we were hit with more runners than I’ve seen in years.

It took everything we had to put them all down. 

We were caught off guard and there’s no excuse of it. 

But those runners, there had to be almost a hundred, they were fresh, and they were fast.

The fight drew the horde and we had to make a run for it. 

That’s when people start to die.

When you run.

When you have no choice but to turn your back on a fight and run for dear life.  We made it back to some high ground and put distance between us and them.

But we lost everything we came for. 

We’re going to hold up for the night, try to make it back in the morning. 

But I don’t think anyone knows where the fuck we are, and I’ll be surprised if more than 5 of us make it back.

Ft Churchill - date unknown

I sat at the foot of her bed and smoked a cigarette. 
The end becomes something you think about more and more, while the reminders of hope come by less and less.  You might say, all that’s left is hope for an end, but even that in itself is misleading. 

An end has always been expected, but our expectations have been taken away. 

In the wake of all this, there is a void left behind, a chasm in which these thoughts plummet into, all in an attempt to satisfy its bottomless hunger.  All that is left is a restless wait for the unknown to cease, for rest from the fear of uncertainty. 

The problem is, people wait around thinking the end is going to fall onto their lap.   
That someday it will make its way around here. 

They wait for something that is never coming.  Because it is out there, in the world, waiting for us to find it. 

We can’t stay here. 

I know it won’t be long before others find this place. 

I’m not interested in sharing with anyone, because that gets you killed.   
They can have it all.  
We’ll take what little we need and be gone before they knew we were here. 

It’s so hard to think about these things while she lays there in the kind of peaceful sleep we used to enjoy before all of this.  I can’t remember the last time she looked so beautiful.
So happy.   
But we can’t stay, no matter how safe it is.  
As hard as I would fight to keep all of this for her, from what we’ve seen, it would take a small army to hold the whole place.  
As much as I want to give her a thousand peaceful nights of sleep, it’s not worth dying over.   
Clinging is what gets you killed.  
It’s the ones who can let go, cut and run, without hesitation. 
They’re the ones who live to see another day.

We only have two cigarettes left and I am planning on saving them until it gets cold or until things get bad.  
Everything else, we have plenty of.
We’re going to need all of it. 

It’s 50 miles until we get deep enough into the country, and that alone could take us up to a  month to travel at the rate we’ve seen.   
The city is lost, and the chaotic singularity that was born from it is starting to spill out. 

We have to stay ahead of them, and though that doesn’t take much, we’re only coming across more and more of peoples horrifying resolve. 

I will let her sleep one more night after this.

Then we have to leave.

The Fires - date unknown

His face was weathered and ashen and covered in the soot of what’s been burned.  Nothing but its dry empty remnants smudged under his eyes and pushed deep into the cracks in his face. 

“How many?” I asked him

“Too many, you’d better get out of here.”

He ran with the good instinct of the coward, so in form with the fool I kept following the howls. 

They had spent enough time getting ready, digging moats, stocking up on food and weapons. 

I never doubted they’d be able to put up one hell of a fight, but fallsview had it better.   
Everyone always used to talk about it like the last stand, the one place we knew we could fall back to and hold until the end of time.  When you get comfortable in these thoughts, you slip up… 

They had gotten comfortable, and each step I take towards them is another march into anxiety.

People already started to jump ship, and I can’t be sure she won’t be one of them.

The Dance - date unknown

Like all the rest, I am out here searching for a sense of peace from this. 

I’ve seen many go out in search for it and never come back. 

They only leave behind the kinds of legends that make us think somewhere out there, it’s waiting for us to find it. 

So we can finally breathe easy.

The sad things are always the simple ones. 

The very thing they are chasing after is the prison they’re doomed to live in. 

The only place you’ll ever find peace, is within yourself, and the idea that it is somewhere out in the world, that it’s not already a part of you, is a threat to it being found.  It’s the horrible dance that always keeps it out of our reach, yet it still keeps us dancing.  

Fallsview

It took me 13 days to get to the falls.

Dennis had shown me the way there more than once.

But it was thick with corpses.

Not like anything I’ve seen since the beginning.

Took me 4 days to get around them.

Once I cleared the woods, I came into the field being overlooked by the wall of stone where they dug in.

No spotters.

No traps.

Only death and its awful litter.

I reached the base of the cliff-face and made my way up. 

By the time I reached the entrance, I could already see something had gone terribly wrong.  The only good thing about the smell?  It’s the warning of what lies ahead of it.  The awful part is the fear it carries on its breath, the cold shiver that reminds me I could be next.

I didn’t waste any time.

Everyone was dead, and if they weren’t.

Well.

I couldn’t be bothered to drag them back with me.

I didn’t even bother trying to find any supplies.

It’s been 20 days now, and I am almost back to camp.

The trails and ridges I scouted to carry me home are swarming now.

But I will make it home.

I have to warn them.

I have to get her out of there. 

no title - date unknown

We’ve been on the move for weeks now. 
Most of what we come across is a reminder of how bad this is. 
Seeing hundreds of years of hard work and collaboration torn down and burned to the ground.  Most of the places we’ve come across have been abandoned, left for dead like the rest. 
A few days ago we found a camp of about 15 people. 
As soon as we saw them, we knew they weren’t doing any better than the rest. 
A family, an old man, a young woman, a young man, the typical story. 
They were thin, hungry, some were sick, and they all had the grief in their eyes. 
Like everyone else we’ve come across they were in mourning. 
Mourning the loved ones hey lost, the world that was gone, and the way things were taken from us.  They had questions like everyone else.  “Who are you?  Do you know what’s happening? Got any food to eat?”  Our answers always fell short of their hopes.  Like them we we’re just trying to “get away” whatever the fuck that means.  And like most of the others, they were desperate.  Desperation is dangerous because it has no conscience.  It’s a cousin of the purest necessity and it can’t be trusted with the morals of man. 
We approached them with caution and told them the usual story.
That we knew nothing and were just like them. 
Looking for anything familiar, anything to eat. 
Like all the others they were conflicted, divided, arguing constantly in the chaos of what’s been left behind for us.  This one guy named Michael kept going on about how lucky the ones who died on the last day were.  How if he knew what awaited us he wouldn’t have bothered fighting.  More pointless bullshit, because at the end of the day he didn’t have the guts to let death into his life.  Then again, neither do we, so that night we abandoned them and kept moving away from the city.  I’m sure they won’t make it far.

shane - date unknown

I don’t trust him.
After a long night of arguing I finally convinced her I would give it a chance. 
Something is not right though, and I plan on saying whatever I have to in order to figure out what it is.  We’ve come this far and I can’t help but wonder if the isolation is finally getting to me, if maybe I can’t let my guard down and see this for what it really is.  But then in comes that screaming paranoia.
Reminding me how many times it has kept me safe.
How many times it’s been right.
How many times trust has been wrong. 
There’s a reason things are too good to be true though, and after everything we’ve seen, I’m not willing to let that instinct go so easily, not after all it has done for me. 
So I for now.
I will play along.
But I don't trust him.