Kernel - Date Unknown

I miss you so much.

And I don’t even know why.

As important of a reminder the pain is.

A reminder of how real all this has become.

This is a pain that I still cannot find a use for, even after everything I have seen up until now. It’s one that lacks grounding in the reality of things, the kind that lives off the stinking breath of a lair’s twisted web.

Maybe I miss you so much, because I miss that piece of myself.

The part that doesn’t belong to me anymore.

Now, I’m not one to waste time regretting the choices I’ve made, because there’s never been any point in shedding weight over the impossible… But… I still can’t help thinking about how impossible a use for this could be.

I’ve carried you so far and I’ve been doing it for what seems like so long now that I’ve forgotten the purpose in it. Like some old forgotten tradition clenched in the cold fists of sentiment. Crumpled up and unrecognizable to its origins.

The history?

The story?

It’s lost on me, on us all.

Because there’s no such thing as purpose left, it has become just another useless reminder of the things that don’t matter anymore.

Yet somehow.

Compulsion seems to always get the best of us, and perhaps that’s why I’m so laden with thoughts of how things used to be.

How we used to be…

I’ve never regretted giving you everything that I have to give, and never once have I cursed the weight I keep on my shoulders tightly wrapped up in your name. A promise is a promise after all, and I keep telling myself that they are the last things we have left these days. One of the few things they can’t take away from us.

Even in death, a promise is kept. As long as you’re willing to die keeping it. But for me, the promise is to run like death is always on my heels. To hide like the cowards buying themselves a few more moments of a life in terror. And no matter what, to keep this safe inside of the one thing I know death can’t get his hands on.

Me…