leftovers - date unknown

I’ve lost so much time.

When I really start to think about it in depth, that old panicked compulsion starts to rise through my veins and work its way to the heart.

But this time I know a little bit better.

So while I still can, I get a hold of myself and do my best to remember the truth of the matter.  That no matter how much time you lose, as long as you still have air in your lungs, you can still do something about it.  The real trick is not forgetting that.  Because sometimes the important things slip and you’re left walking down old roads you told yourself not to go down before.  It becomes a lovely manic dance, between a moment of elation, and a perceptual eon of sorrow.  But it is lovely, and all the glitter and glam is just enough to distract you for the one second it needs. 

Then… Poof.. It’s gone

I have no idea how long I’ve been dancing around like this, because it is a thief of time, that’s how stays unnoticed.

I’m not sure exactly what it was that broke the trance for me, and even now I still cannot remember exactly how I got myself out of there.  I suppose all that really matters is that I got out.  But still, I have all kinds of hooks left in me, if I’m not careful and let them get tugged on again, I might end up right back in that same place, doing that same dance.

There’s no doubt that something very serious has changed in me.  I was betrayed, stripped of everything they could take, but I would not accept defeat.  There was only one way that I could win over them, and that was to kill everything inside of myself that I was afraid to lose.

So the killing began, and so did the mourning.

That was the part I did not expect, perhaps because I didn’t want to think they were things I’d miss, or perhaps merely by oversight.  Doing all that killing, it was easy.  What to do with the leftovers, that is a whole other story.