grabbing on, and letting go - date unknown

As I am sitting beside this flickering candle, so my hopes continue to fade as the dying flame slowly burns out to it’s last breath.  I can probably make it through one more night of this, granted I make it through this one.
I fucked up.
I don’t know what I was thinking but now I am lost, out of food, and nowhere near anything I find vaguely useful to my survival.
These aren’t the times for dwelling on mistakes though.
The only way I have ever made it this far is by sending those thoughts right back where they belong and remembering why I walk.
I feel caught up in the constant struggle between the pull of fear and my promise.
This has become even bigger than that though, because the things that I carry inside of myself are the last of their kind.  And though I doubt I’ll ever find someone to pass them to who could carry them on, I will settle for dying knowing I gave them the best chance they had.  That in itself is what gives these things their essence.  The selfless pursuit of something greater than yourself.  Though this world has taken so much away from us, one thing it has left behind are plenty of good reasons worth dying for.
She was one of them.
My mother another.
The list goes on and on.
That’s the thing though.
No one is keeping track anymore, the score is a wash.  There is no point in pretending we’re even playing anymore because the game has changed, the only rule is, we’re not writing them anymore.
That is clear as crystal.
The biggest problem in the beginning was how people were not willing to let go of this misguided idea that they controlled a damn thing.  And that is why it was so easy for them to be over run and burned down from the inside.  I supposed what made me different is how quickly I saw it for what it really was.  Everyone else though took their time learning the hard things, but there aren’t anymore second chances left, we’ve been robbed of that luxury.  They learned this the hard way and died pointless useless deaths.
That was something I really had to get used to.
For so long it turned my stomach to see such a waste of our own salvation.
If there ever was any to begin with.
After all I have seen, I can only say that there isn’t, and as heavy it makes my heart, I know that even in the face of the most crushing defeats a man must stand in the face of certain death, dig his feet deep into his convictions and hold the only ground you have left to truly call your own.  If this is all I end up dying for, I’m ok with that.