Know your enemy - date unknown

I never thought I’d see a day like today, a day where things finally became so clear.  Though the vision they’ve crystallized into is horrific, at least I know what I am dealing with.
Knowing how bad things are is one thing.
It’s the not knowing that kills you.
The mystery that lurks behind fears shadow.
There are many times when I’ve been forced to endure that sentence with no hope of reprieve.  Eventually you learn to live with the holes left behind and carry on as if they’re a part of you. 
This has never sat well with me though.
I’ve never been content with such unfinished business.
So like all other things in this world, I’ve demanded more than the same old story.
Because after all I have been though, it is not enough to help me sleep at night.
They may sleep better than most, but the lull they’re caught up in is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, biding its time until the kill is sure.
I’ve seen too many go out that way. 
Though I’d like to say I knew better, the truth is I learned better.  It took time, but not much.  We didn’t have any to waste on examining the nature of things, only to dispense all the violence our bodies had to offer and grab anything in sight that could fill our bellies if only for a few moments.  Not even a second of rest was on our minds, let alone all we’d have to atone for once we realized how far this had taken us.  Now that I’ve had all this time to stew in my thoughts and have nothing but the flashbacks of terror to remind me what’s brought me here.  I think about all I would give to lose myself in the throws of pure uncomplicated battle.
I have no such luxury in this fight, for my enemy is a complex creature who holds nothing but contempt for my survival.  This foe I face has no intention on making anything easy on me. 
Part of me is thankful for the challenge, the other dreads the uphill battle to a certain and no doubt pointless death.
Too often I worry that all I have left is to protect purpose, to maintain the keepsake of our cherished nature.  It is a burden which weighs so heavy on me I am constantly breaking in all the wrong places.
I can remember how lonely I used to feel out in the wild.  How all I could think about what finding someone, anyone who could remind me that as bad as it seems, we’re never that lost, never that far from one another.  Eventually you get over it after seeing it time and time again, you see just how fucked up this has made people.  Doubt becomes removed, and “being better off without them” is the understatement of a lifetime.  The first step is to break yourself in, feel the hurt, and let the things you’ll never feel again die, so the rest of you can keep living, keep fighting, till  the end.  No matter what awfulness awaits.