The Depths - date unknown

There is something missing, no doubt in that.
It is too easy to grab onto the reasons closest to you, the old obvious things that try to explain it all away in some cloud of rationalization.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t indulged myself.  In fact it’s because of those lost days, because of the millions of other things I could blame, that is how I have learned to know better.  I’ve never been one to worry about the others, the distant, the lost, but there have been moments when even I have tried to.

I know why she left me, there is no mystery in that.
But why I cannot admit it to myself, eludes me beyond reason.
There is no doubt things could have been profoundly different, but dwelling on that gets us nowhere towards tomorrow.  There is so little to be gained from the “what if’s”, too often life is squandered on such fruitless pursuits.  The treasures of the world were burned to distill the most pure meaningless indulgences.  This is the landscape I am forced to stare across every day.  An empty world with empty people.

There is no depth inside of themselves to dive into, no soul to immerse yourself in.  Only a hard shallow bottom which tactfully reminds you how painful it is to slam into. 
This is why, people, trust, love, are all leaps of faith into a hope there’s something waiting to embrace you, something to break the fall.
More often than not we jump like fools knowing full well what is waiting for us at the bottom.

Nothing hurts quite like a slam in the face when you’re not expecting it.
When you were sure this time would be different, and every fiber of your being is screaming for you to go for it.  Next thing you know you’re wondering how you got this bloody nose and why everything hurts worse than anything you've ever felt.

What happened to us was different.
There was nothing natural about it.
When I dove into her soul, I found a world I thought only existed in the most childish of storybooks.  The depths went on and on,the warmth of her heart kept me safe, and I felt like I didn’t have to come up for air days at a time. 

When I lost her, I felt the waters around me go cold.  In the most panicked of reflexes I tried to swim for the surface for air, but I quickly saw that it had iced over, and I’ve been trapped in the cold depths ever since.  Frozen in time and trapped in her loss.

I’ve given up on finding a way out at this point, because for so may reasons, things I’ve done, and mistakes I’ve made, I know hope abandoned me the day she did.  Still, I am trapped in a constant reminder of this, and I can never escape that.