The Night

More often than I’d like to admit, I find myself on nights like these with my face buried in my hands, crying and saying over and over again how much I miss you. 

How bad it hurts to be out here alone. 

And how I’m not sure how long I can go down this road knowing what I know. 

I try to remind myself again and again why I must, I try to tell myself crazy things like you’re somewhere out there watching over me, waiting for me to finally find what I’m looking for.  But that only breaks my heart more to think you can see me like this when I am so weak, so lost.  For so long this fight made sense, there was purpose to be found in the way ahead, but as each day drags on, that light gets darker and darker, until finally, I’ve lost my way completely.  The fear has always been in the not knowing, the stranger on the other side of the door, never before have I been so terrified of wha’s waiting for us in the dark, as if all the wonder and reason has been lost forever and all that’s left to be found are the things we’ve been trying so hard to hide.  The things we try so hard to forget about and let time take them away with its passing.  I’ve always been foolish to think these things can ever be buried, the truth has a life of its own, and you can be sure one way or another it will dig itself up.  I can’t help but wonder if somewhere in there, is an awful truth that I never thought possible.

That perhaps, my end will be just as worthless as the rest. 

That this whole time I’ve been so scared to find the truth that I buried behind me long ago, that nothing I did made a difference, and I’ve been running from myself this entire time.  I wonder how different I would feel if you were still here at my side.  I remember how invincible I was, knowing I had you to come home to, and I don’t doubt for a second it saved my life more than once or twice.  Even after you left, I carried it with me into the darkest of days and still managed to find my way out.  Countless times I’ve tried to do what you thought was right, and keep what little of that we had alive and well.  Each day that goes by though, it seems to get heavier and instead of lifting me up to fight another day, it leaves me exhausted and crying my eyes out just like tonight, asking myself just how much longer can we let this go on?  Like all other things, I feel only so much of this is up to me, and sooner or later, the choice I need to make is going to be clear as crystal.